Built to Belong Read online

  • Increased feelings of isolation: A 2017 study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine surveyed 1,787 adults in the United States between the ages of nineteen and thirty-two. Researchers found that people who reported spending the most time on social media had twice the odds of perceived social isolation.3

  • Lower self-esteem: A meta-analysis conducted by Saiphoo, Halevi & Vahedi in 2019 looked at eighty-four studies that examined social media usage and self-esteem measures. They found that, overall, social media use had a significant negative relationship on self-esteem.4

  And so—just as the science appears to suggest—too much time spent on social networks is always a bad thing. Right?

  Not necessarily.

  The truth is that not all usage of social media is equal. There is a difference between passive consumption and active communication. There is a difference between enabling social media to be a gateway for comparison and empowering yourself to use it as a vehicle for deep connection. Scrolling endlessly is not the same as engaging in an online community or building virtual relationships.

  In 2010, Moira Burke, Cameron Marlow, and Thomas Lento of Carnegie Mellon University conducted a study to better understand the relationship between social networking and feelings of connectedness. The researchers found that direct communication on social media is associated with greater feelings of bonding, social capital, and lower levels of loneliness.

  This was different, however, from users who spend their time on the platforms consuming greater amounts of content. Those participants who consumed rather than connected reported experiencing the opposite effect—decreased social capital and increased feelings of loneliness.

  Essentially, if I open Facebook on my phone and scroll, consuming and comparing my way through the day, that behavior will impact my mood differently than if I open Instagram with a conscious intention to communicate with people in my network.

  This leads me to a critical question that all of us must ask ourselves.

  What if social media isn’t the problem?

  What if it’s the way we’re using it?

  PHYSICAL DISTANCE

  Remain six feet apart.

  This single sentence changed everything in the spring of 2020. Physical distancing became one of the most effective ways to flatten the curve of COVID-19 infection, and within a matter of weeks, people around the globe were struggling to cope with their new reality.

  However, for thousands of people living with cystic fibrosis, this wasn’t anything new. Physical distancing is required as a part of their everyday lives. Pandemic or not, remaining six feet apart is necessary for survival.

  If you’re unfamiliar with cystic fibrosis, it is an incurable genetic disease that most severely impacts lung function. For people living with CF, impaired lung function caused by a thick layer of mucus enables dangerous bacteria and germs to fester—creating chronic infections and long-term lung deterioration.

  In 2013, when significant evidence concluded that people with cystic fibrosis are at increased risk of spreading dangerous bacteria to one another, CF experts published a new set of guidelines.5

  They may sound a bit familiar:

  • Clean and disinfect all surfaces.

  • Wear a mask in common areas.

  • Maintain a minimum six-foot distance from others with cystic fibrosis.

  For a second, I want you to imagine that you’ve been diagnosed with an incurable disease and the only people who can truly understand what you’re going through cannot hug you or gather alongside you in person. Fundraisers are held to support finding a cure for your disease and it’s deemed unsafe for you to even attend. When receiving treatment, you must be careful not to get too close to other patients at your clinic to ensure that you don’t pass germs to one another.

  Everything that the world experienced during the pandemic is a required practice for the entirety of your life. It’s a set of circumstances that would leave you feeling isolated and alienated, right?

  However, for many living with cystic fibrosis and other chronic conditions, the opposite is often true. Rather than accepting isolation as an accompaniment to their disease, they cultivate thriving digital relationships and grow prospering communities on the internet.

  These chronic illness warriors have proven over the last decade that genuine relationships can flourish even without physical contact. In lieu of gathering in person, CF groups developed creative ways of connecting without breaking the six-foot barrier.

  Through virtual book clubs, happy hours, and digital girls’ nights, friendships formed from a distance. Bonds built that rival even the deepest of in-person relationships, online communities that are thriving. Day or night, through hardship and struggle, there is someone there to support you. It’s a powerful thing.

  Even in our loneliest hour, someone is always just a keyboard away.

  When we first created the Rising Tide Society, our vision was to cultivate in-person relationships, and nearly all of our efforts went into growing local chapters in cities around the world. One by one, we added groups and watched them grow.

  I was adamant from day one that the purpose of Rising Tide was to turn online connections into offline relationships. The in-person element of community was where I saw the greatest existing need among entrepreneurs and small-business owners.

  In many ways, it was my own struggle with social media and my yearning for face-to-face interactions that drove my decisions to prioritize physical meet-ups over online gatherings. I saw social media platforms as the problem. I was wrong.

  Several months after I started Rising Tide, a pair of creatives reached out asking to lead.

  The duo, Kait Masters and Kit Gray, met in our Facebook group and connected over a unique shared experience—chronic illness. They recognized that there was a lack of support for small-business owners who were unable to attend in-person meet-ups and networking events due to their health, and they decided to do something about it.

  From their leadership, Rising Tide’s Creative & Chronically Ill chapter was born. As the months went on, this online group flourished despite not being able to gather physically.

  Rising Tide’s chronic illness warriors have proven that there is power in digital togetherness. Monthly meet-ups are accessible to all members, and relationships are formed that transcend the Facebook group itself.

  These brave leaders directly challenged my previously held notion that in-person interactions are a necessary ingredient in building strong relationships. The depth of their unrelenting vulnerability, the lengths to which they go to support one another, and the unceasing compassion that they give month after month demonstrate the true power of online communities.

  The members of Rising Tide’s Creative and Chronically Ill chapter live in different states, struggle with different hardships, and own vastly different businesses. Yet their collective experience with chronic illness and their commitment to cultivating an online community creates the environment for deep bonds and a true sense of belonging.

  While in the process of writing this book, I scheduled a virtual coffee date with Kait on a Sunday morning. I asked her how it is possible to cultivate such deep and meaningful relationships online. Her answer was simple:

  Online community is an innovation, not an imitation.

  —Kait Masters

  The words struck me. She was right.

  Online relationships aren’t an imitation of in-person relationships. They can be just as impactful, dynamic, and complex. They can bring an immense amount of joy into our lives. They can help us to navigate painful life circumstances and overcome hardships.

  Shared experiences online can even lead to a deeper level of connection than that of relationships offline. When a community narrative is unique to that group of people, they may bond on a level that others in their physical world cannot understand.

  For Kait, this meant discovering other people who shared her rare disease: myasthenia gravis. She had plenty of frien
dships in her local community; however, being able to use the internet to discover and connect with others who understood precisely what she was going through was a vastly different experience.

  Leveraging online platforms also gave Kait the ability to become an advocate for change, and through her courage and leadership, she changed thousands of lives.

  The innovation of the internet has enabled us to expand our connections beyond geographical boundaries and create a virtual world without physical borders. It has transformed the human experience irrevocably by removing many of the barriers that once held us apart.

  No longer are you the only person that you know enduring a particular hardship or who is interested in a super-niche topic.

  Twenty years ago, there was a chance that you never would have met another person dealing with your particular circumstances. However, today a support group is only one click away.

  Even today, you might be the only person in your town obsessed with balancing trash cans on top of their lids. However, there is a Facebook page with more than 13,000 people on it dedicated completely to the art of the Bin Lid Stand. Yes, this is a real thing.

  And it illustrates a very important point. One of the most important sentences in the human experience is: You are not alone.

  ONLINE + OFFLINE INTEGRATION

  What if social media isn’t the problem, but rather, what if the way that we are using it is?

  From the time we’re young, we’re taught information from textbooks and learn from the wisdom of our parents in topics ranging from how to hard-boil an egg to the fundamentals of psychology. However, new technologies are by their very nature… new. Which underscores that our cumulative wisdom about their impact on the individual and the collective is nothing more than an educated guess or a projection of emerging data trends.

  The truth is that we were never taught how to leverage the internet properly because when our elders and teachers were growing up, it didn’t exist. In this same vein, we don’t always have the answers for the next generation because what they are navigating in these earlier seasons of their lives wasn’t around when we were growing up.

  It is okay to admit that you’ve never been taught or had the opportunity to truly think about how to have a healthy relationship with the internet. My hope in concluding this chapter is to share a little wisdom that I’ve gleaned from leveraging these platforms to build businesses, communities, and create deep and meaningful relationships with people all around the world.

  Here’s the truth: Navigating the online and offline worlds in a healthy way doesn’t require separation and balance so much as it requires integration with intention. For many of us, too much time on social media can leave us feeling less than and alone.

  I believe that the solution doesn’t lie in putting down our devices so much as it requires changing our relationship to them. The internet isn’t going away, and we can’t expect a digital detox every few months to heal our hearts in the long run.

  So how do we do that? How do we fix our relationship with social media and the online world? First, it requires us to stop chasing after a digital and physical separation and start concentrating on the good that comes from the intersection.

  Seeking to understand the online and offline integration of our lives requires us to identify the ways in which these worlds are woven together, thereby forcing us to intentionally seek out better ways to leverage technology for the benefit of ourselves and others.

  In other words, we need to stop looking at technology as the problem and start seeing it as a part of the solution. We need to pivot our outlook from believing that the internet is an imitation of real life and begin seeing it as a way to live our best life.

  This viewpoint makes technology a gateway that can be used to build a better world. We must concentrate on the good that these platforms can bring to our lives and think about how to optimize time spent online to bring about these outcomes.

  For example, online platforms and social networks enable:

  • Increased efficiency in our everyday activities (work, shopping, heck, even taxes!), giving us more time for activities that we love and for connecting with the people we care about.

  • The ability to connect with anyone from anywhere, allowing us to build lasting relationships that transcend geography as well as societal barriers. We can nurture relationships after someone moves away and make new friendships beyond our existing spheres and communities.

  • Opportunities for learning that drive all of us forward. We can learn and teach others what we are learning. Education is out there for anyone who has a desire to access it. We can reap the benefits of that and contribute by sharing our knowledge along our own personal and professional journeys.

  Ask yourself this: When I reach for my phone, am I fully aware of the potential good that it can bring into my life, or am I repeating behavioral patterns that left me struggling in the first place?

  One of those positive behaviors includes shifting from being passive consumers into active contributors.

  This requires us to unlearn our patterns of endless scrolling and to actively engage with our social networks intentionally. Yes, that may mean halting your habit of using your phone as an alarm and making it the first thing you open in the morning. What starts as an innocent attempt to stop the device from ringing turns into forty minutes of watching online videos, bookmarking home renovation inspiration, and browsing motivational quotes. I’m looking at you, friend!

  How can we be better at using the internet to create a deepened sense of belonging and cultivate true relationships?

  1. Create and connect before we consume. Try for one day to go on a social network only if you’re planning to post or directly connect with another person. Notice how often you open your apps subconsciously to scroll without any true reason to be there. We must consciously shift our behaviors in order to begin to feel the impact of more positive online interactions. Create and connect first before we allow ourselves to consume.

  2. Set intentional time limits. Deepening virtual connections isn’t about the quantity of time spent online so much as it is about how we use that time. Setting aside intentional portions of our day to connect with others online clarifies the intention of time spent on the platform and prevents scrolling without a purpose. It also makes that time more limited and therefore we are forced to use it wisely. Setting parameters reduces the risk of wasting time and increases the possibility of maximizing every minute.

  3. Create a connection list. If there are people in your life who you can’t connect with in person and you want to build deeper relationships with online, create a simple connection list. Write down a list of five to ten people, and choose one day each week when you intentionally reach out. Many relationships are lost simply because we fail to prioritize them and carve out the time to maintain them. A list and creating habits like weekly check-ins can make a significant impact.

  4. Plan specific online events. Cultivating a sense of community online requires willful planning and purposeful engagement. Plan virtual events with online friends and get creative with how you make everyone feel welcome and included. Oh, and be personal. Sending a “Join This Event” mass invite is very different from dropping into someone’s DMs with a personal note like: “I have been looking forward to getting some quality time with you. Are you free next week?” The more personal you can be with your outreach, the more the recipient will know that you care about them.

  5. Create online rituals that inspire participation. Think of cyclical rituals that will keep relationships growing over time and encourage people to engage online consistently. In online community groups, this can look like weekly threads that spark conversation or celebrating certain milestones like holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries. Ask good questions that invite people to engage. Online rituals bond us and create shared experiences within a community.

  6. Ensure accessibility for all. When choosing how to connect online and when to plan virtual gat
herings and interactions, be mindful of the needs of your community and strive to be accessible from the outset. For example: Communication should be improved through translation, transcription, and captioning. Schedules should be aligned to increase the opportunity for live attendance, and when that isn’t possible, making a replay available is a good alternative. Being accessible means anticipating the needs of your community to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to engage in meaningful interactions and events.

  Engaging with intention has the ability to change our relationship with online communities and can empower us to reclaim our relationship with social media.

  As we move forward and the memory of the pandemic fades, I hope we do not forget the powerful lessons that this season has taught us. Online communities are an innovation that is here to stay. My hope is that we continue pushing the bounds of digital togetherness and see it as an opportunity to transform the way that we connect—inviting more voices to the table, creating more opportunity for kinship, and serving needs that have, for too long, gone unmet.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  VULNERABILITY IS NOT A BUZZWORD

  Wedding planning and inspiration boards—that’s how I remember the week leading up to the day my life changed forever.

  After seven years of dating, Hugh and I were finally engaged. We met as teenagers in Annapolis, fell in love as high school sweethearts, moved to Philadelphia for college, and had returned to our hometown after graduation.

  He was my biggest encourager in those early years of small-business ownership. Hugh put his business degree to good use with frequent strategy sessions around the kitchen table and empowered me as I built my business. We had grown up together. There was nothing that I wanted more than to marry this man.